People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
There is no “we” in pizza
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Easy enough.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
How it started How it’s going