*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
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“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”