Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
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My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Seems kinda suspicious
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention