Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
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I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.