“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
You Might Also Like
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.