My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
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[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.