Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
You Might Also Like
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Same pineapple, same
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
#SuperBowl
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.