Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
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Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh