[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
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SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
technically true but not a great slogan
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain