Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
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Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”