assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
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[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Netflix: We have Less
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.