Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
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[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
#Caturday
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
no such thing as a dumb question
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight