When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
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The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…