ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
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At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Ah yes. The three genders
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting