Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
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If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
i wish i could marry a nap
kitchen magnet
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
I already tried new things thanks.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”