Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
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I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle