Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.