Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
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The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too