Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
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Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No