A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Yeah. This was me today.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful