I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
You Might Also Like
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When your man makes a valid point
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end