Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods