5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
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rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.