*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
You Might Also Like
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Lol
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them