Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
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I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.