UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
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Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.