[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
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Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
#Thanos #MondayMood
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating