Wait a minute…
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My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
The two types of wives
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.