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I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Aaaa…CHOO!
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.