My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
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trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.