A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
#FunnyLife Insects
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.