The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
You Might Also Like
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
so no one told you life was gonna be this way