I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
marvel comics have peaked
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March