[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
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I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
(by @ZachWeiner )
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.