Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign