“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
You Might Also Like
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight