I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.