When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
Word!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Hmm, not sure about this change
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.