My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
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[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”