joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
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I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Can’t stop laughing
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call