It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
You Might Also Like
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
BaD BoY!!
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book