I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
How can I say no to this ?
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
superman landing like a plane on his belly
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?