I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
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“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.