muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
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Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
The Backseat Boys
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.