If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.