We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You Might Also Like
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
so much to do
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
#CatsOnTwitter
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My dog ate my work from home.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around