[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
live, laugh, laundry.