Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
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I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her