Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
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I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes