no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
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The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years